The dad...he didn't have to be

So obviously Father's Day has come and gone. I'm late. Sue me (please don't). I talk to my mom every day. And every year around the same time I complain that finding a Father's Day card is just.so.hard! You see, I am not happy with my dad, he isn't stellar, he's messed up a LOT, and there's a lot of pain and heartache there. Good luck finding a card for THAT situation.


Sometimes I go funny. Sometimes I go "blank card with a cute picture." This year I went generic. I'm planning my wedding. My mom and step-dad are helping tremendously (as much as they can) as is my fiance's family. I never expected my dad to help, as he isn't the most responsible financially. Furthermore he hasn't put my (or my sister's) needs ahead of his own for about 15 years. So it was a surprise when he offered to kick in a small amount. But then it dawned on me...this meant he was coming. CRAP! How was I going to tell him I wanted my step dad to walk me down the aisle?


You see the thing is my dad was absolutely awesome....until he wasn't. He was present and always supportive. Until he wasn't. I could always go to him with any secret, fear, or question. Until I couldn't.

 He developed a problem in my teen years that only grew as time went on. He moved back to his home state of Alabama (where he remains) in October of my senior year in high school. It broke my heart and at the same time lifted a very heavy burden from my shoulders. Despite all that, I missed him tremendously. Not who he was then or really even who he is now. But I missed my Daddy.

The man who wore costumes every year during my dance recitals for the "Dad's Dance." The man who brushed my hair and learned to braid it. The man who rubbed my feet after 5 hours of ballet 4 nights a week (something I still can't get my fiance to do!). I missed the man who stayed up until 2am when I was 15 talking about everything under the sun with me. The man who taught me to ride a horse, a bike, a motorcycle. The man who taught me so many things, I missed him.

He isn't that man though. I don't know if he ever truly was. But he will always hold in his hand some years of my life that are precious. For those years I wanted for nothing, I was happy. For those years I was unbroken, I was whole. For those years he was my Daddy, and I loved him.

But now, I have my mother's husband. I have a Dad who drove four hours in the middle of the night to move me out of an apartment after my boyfriend broke up with me (and left me stranded, jerk). A dad who hugged me when I held the hand of my best friend and cousin, as he slipped out of my world, and into God's hands. A dad who constantly tells me I can do better, I am better, I am smart, I am incredible. I have a Dad who lifts me up and treasures me. This man, my dad, he isn't a part of me biologically. I don't have half his genes (wish I did, metabolism up the wa-zoo!).
This man...he has his own sons (my two fantastic brothers). He was so young when he and my mom yet. He was the age I am now. He was a child. This man....he became my dad. He became my male role model and my inspiration. My dad became a dad, when he didn't have to be. He chose me. And there is nothing that could ever feel quite as incredible as that.

So I am lucky that I got two wonderful men, at two very different times in their lives, and in mine. But when it comes down to it, I've decided that on August 8, 2013...I will walk down an aisle, towards the love of my life, alone. I will give myself away. As I am only mine to give. I believe it was the hardest conversation I've ever had (telling the first person who ever laid hands on me [without surgical gloves on] he would not be the one to give me away). But my dad's reaction surprised me. He was full of grace and understanding, and a glimmer of hope shown that maybe...just maybe...he's the dad I once knew. So despite all the ways I've felt about him, and still feel a little. I'm trying to heal, I am trying to forgive, I am trying to accept, and I am trying to move on.

But in the meantime...it feels so good to know, I am not alone.

(photos taken from postsecret.com)

A Very Uncertain Future...

I had a very surreal experience last week. Here's the back story...

For the past three weeks I've been having an odd pain above my ribs on the right side. Heck...it's basically my boob. The pain started out as a sore muscle (I thought). It got worse over the next few days and by week three I was in excruciating pain. The fiance's parents live across the street from a retired surgeon and I awkwardly asked him to take a look.

He felt me up, (with my future mother in law and his wife present) and told me that while it was definitely swollen and sort of "hard" he didn't think it was serious. However, he advised, see an OBGYN immediately. Sort of odd I thought, for something not serious.

So of course I waited a few more weeks.

Last Wednesday I had my appointment with Dr. Silver, an OBGYN here in San Diego. He is a new doctor for me, and I had been seeing Dr. S in Fresno since I was 17. I had cysts on my ovaries and had ended up seeing an OBGYN before most girls who weren't sexually active. Fast forward a few years and I had another issue in which Dr. S was integral. I had cancerous cells on my cervix as well as on my ovaries. They were able to be surgically removed and I haven't since had an issue. But given my history, throughout college and even through half of law school, I made the six hour trek whenever I needed to see my OBGYN. I was hesitant to switch.

When I got into Dr. Silver's office he immediately brought me into his "real office". Essentially I didn't go into the freaky room with stirrups, but into a warm and inviting room with his various accolades decorating the walls. We chatted for a bit about my family's medical history and my current issues and concerns. He was funny and very inviting. I felt immediately comfortable and relieved to have found a new doctor with whom I could be at ease with. He told me that one of my issues (a little odd to blog about) was of no concern to him, so we'd simply do a breast exam due to the pain.

I went into the exam room and prepared. He came in, and let the uncomfortable-ness commence!

Really though, how weird to have a man my grandfather's age feeling me up! Maybe I'm immature, who knows.

As we were laying there, small talking it, he said something I don't think I'll ever forget. First, his face sort of....cleared. His smile vanished and his eyes grew worried. He asked the nurse to go fetch some sort of "jelly" (the only way I can think to describe it). It was a sort of lubricant designed to help him get a better feel of the area. As he put this on and continued to exam (the right side, since the left had been normal) the lines in his forehead deepened.

"Well, you seem to have some lumps in your right breast."

And everything sort of cleared. In my head anyway. Everything felt odd and fuzzy and my throat tightened. My heart fell to my toes. My breath left my chest.

"Give me your hand. You need to know what this feels like."

He took my hand and showed me where the lumps were. I didn't feel much to be honest. I dressed in a haze and he brought me back into his office. He explained that he didn't think I should lose much sleep, as I was young and at little risk. I asked him how many girls my age get breast cancer. Ten percent he said.

I've never been good with odds.

He scheduled an exploratory mammogram and ultrasound. They are next Tuesday. While it's entirely possible it's something normal, like calcifications or something of the sort, it's also entirely possible that its.....well....not.

That was last week. And every day since it's been in the back of my mind. I know the odds are more in my favor than not...but in our family, luck's never been on our side. I've kept the whole thing pretty private (I guess blogging about it blows that one right?) and have only told my immediate family really.

In two days I'll know I guess, where exactly to go from here...

Goin' to the Chapel and We're....

GOING TO GET MARRIED!!!!


That's my FIANCE and I...the day after we got engaged! I'm sort of still on cloud 9. I am so ridiculously happy, my heart is so full I think it may burst. Here's the story (taken off our wedding website, which basically as of now has that and nothing else!)

The Proposal...

On Valentine's Day of 2012 Corbin surprised Amanda with a completely planned (well, sort of) trip to San Francisco, where they spent a lot of time for the first few months of their relationship. Amanda was pretty surprised that Corbin had booked a hotel and flights without her help at all. The week before their trip Amanda had midterms and she was anything but pleasant to be around. (Thank god he didn't change his mind!). She had suspected an engagement was on it's way, but was sure it wasn't that weekend since Corbin was far too calm. On the flight to San Francisco the two chatted and had a few cocktails (Corbin clearly needed them). There was a snafu with the rental car and it took a little longer than expected to get on the road from the airport. Corbin insisted visiting a certain location before checking into the hotel.

It was a VERY rare sunny and clear day. Corbin really wanted to visit the spot where he asked Amanda to be his girlfriend while the weather was still nice. The spot overlooks the entire city and the Golden Gate Bridge. Corbin said he wanted to take a picture since "It's been over two years already, and it'd be a cool picture to have." This was the first indication that something was up since Corbin HATES taking pictures.

They first couldn't figure out how to get to the side of Vista Point where the two had originally planned on going. Amanda said they should stop anyway (on the wrong side) and take a picture. Corbin began acting really odd and wouldn't turn around to walk to the picture spot so Amanda could set the camera's timer. (The ring was in his back pocket and he didn't want her to see) He rushed her through a quick picture and insisted they find a way to get to the right spot.

The two figured out how to get across the highway and to the correct spot. When they drove up Corbin seemed upset, "WHERE IS EVERYONE?!" The place is normally overrun with tourists (potential photographers) and on such a beautiful day it didn't make sense that it was deserted. There were two gentlemen there that Amanda suggested could take their picture. She took her sweet time getting out of the car and sending her mom pictures of the spot from her phone (which actually drove her mom crazy since she was waiting for the news that the proposal had happened.) Amanda offered to ask the gentlemen to take their picture and Corbin said that he wanted to (another REALLY strange occurrence). He grabbed the camera and walked over to the guy. He asked if he could "take a few pictures" then said to wait he needed to get something out of the car. The gentlemen who now had the camera said, "That's okay she is prettier anyway" and snapped a few pictures of Amanda standing alone, growing confused. Corbin came back from the car and as Amanda motioned for him to come take the picture he told her to hold on.

Corbin: "You know I love you...right?"

Amanda: "Uhm, yes..."

Corbin: (fumbling with his back pocket and trying to get the ring out....pulls out the box, drops to one knee) "Well, I want to spend the rest of my life with you...."

Amanda: "CORBIN ARE YOU SERIOUS?! OH MY GOD!" (hysterical crying and blubbering begins)



Corbin: (keeps moving along) "...and I was wondering if you'd marry me..."

Amanda: "OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD! SERIOUSLY?! REALLY!? (lots of crying and blubbering)" (then realizing she actually had to answer) "Of course I will, get up!"



Corbin: (being pulled up by Amanda and hugged and kissed) "Do you want to try on the ring?"

Amanda: "YES!"



Both their hands were shaking and they could hardly even put the ring. on. Lots of hugging, kissing, and more "OH MY GOD"'s followed. The man thankfully took pictures of the entire event and after wished them well and returned the camera.



They left the spot and went to their hotel. They spent an amazing weekend celebrating their engagement in San Francisco, the city where their love began, and their whole lives changed.

So....that was that!

We spent a lot of time in SF in the beginning of our relationship so this was already a special place for us. I tried but couldn't for the life of me find a picture of the day he asked me to be his girlfriend! Bummer.

This is one of my favorite places (chocolate, need I say more?!) and I love that I have a picture from this past time (the first one) and one from the first time we went there together (the second photo). I also love more than in the more recent one I'm closer to my normal size!




We've already started planning, even though a date in August of 2013 is what we are thinking. This is mostly because starting next March I'll be in full "bar study mode" and won't really have time for wedding planning. So I'm starting now and praying that will allow me to be a "normal" bride, if there is such a thing. I went with my mom, sister, grandma, and aunt to look at dresses last week when I was home. It was a blast and I wish I could post photos, but there's a chance the good ol' fiance will see this and he REALLY wants to be surprised. When we were looking I asked my sister to be my maid of honor, it was a special moment for sure (and full of PLENTY of tears). So since wedding stuff is pretty much all that's on my brain right now (plus school) it's sort of all I have to talk about! It's stressful and scary and is going to cost more money than we have...but I'm excited for what the next year and a half will bring. I'm even more excited to begin my life as Mrs. Smith!

Oh and in case you wanted to see the ring...

on pause...

My oh my.
I only seem to turn to writing for the therapy of it. I guess it's a good thing that I don't need to do it more often then.

I have a LOT on my mind right now.

My mom's really sick and in the hospital. For most people of course this is something hard or stressful, but for me it's a little different.

I can't really say I remember too much about my relationship with my mom before the age of 15. She was always there, always sacrificing for us, but I remember being particularly close. When I got older I clung to my mom. When I moved away to college she became my best friend. We talked constantly throughout the day. We email text and call. If we go an hour without speaking it's strange. She is my confidant, my advisor, my best friend. She's the woman I want to become. I actually don't know if I could continue to live my life happily without her. Losing her scares me more than anything on this planet.

So about a week ago my mom had a painful pimple on her forehead. Of course she messed with it. (Obviously we're related!) Anyway after a week her face started to swell. On Monday it was so swollen her eye was almost shut. She went into the doctors office and he told her it was a bacterial skin infection and drained the area. The next day she woke up and the swelling was worse. She immediately went to the hospital in the next town (our town is small and their medical staff, except for her doctor pretty much, is inept). She was admitted immediately through the ER and told she had orbital cellulitis. Essentially she has a VERY serious infection behind her orbital bone. We also found out the infection is MRSA, an antibiotic resistant staph infection. The treatment is a very strong antibiotic administered through an IV. This medication is so strong it can cause kidney failure and the rupturing of your veins. Needless to say, it's serious.

My home town is a good 6 hours from where I live and go to school. It was all I could do to stay here, all I could do not to flee home to be with her. She wants me to stay here and focus on school but it's tearing me apart. I can't stop thinking about the worst case scenario. I can't stop thinking about the what if's. If I lose her, it's entirely too possible that I will lose myself. She wants me to stay here, attend this stupid ball this weekend, and keep living my life. But to me, my life isn't worth much without her.

I sit here riddled with fear. Not sure how to live my life day to day with the possibility of losing her looming over my head. I know it's not a terminal illness. But my mom, well she's invincible. She's superwoman. She's unstoppable.

And now she's sick, and my whole life is on pause. I don't know how to feel or what to do except pray that she heals quickly.

Merry Christmas....A Few Weeks Late

We all know I'm not exactly a consistent blogger! So it's no surprise that my post about my time at home for Christmas comes a little late.

I have gone home the SECOND after my finals end every year since I moved away to college at 18. For the first time I hung around and spent some time at MY home. I relaxed and unwound after what was one of the WORST finals weeks I've ever had. I spent a ton of time with Corbin and went to the Nutcracker with my girlfriends. I had a really good time. Of course I still felt painfully guilty that I wasn't home with my brothers for every second of my break.

When I got home Coe warmed up to me much more quickly than during Thanksgiving. During my time home then he was sort of slow to recognize me and it broke my heart. I spent Kai (my 7 year old brother)'s first year at home, as I was still in high school. But I was gone after Coe was only a week old, to return to school. (He turns 18 months in a few days). So this time when I came home and he was instantly excited to see me it made me REALLY happy. Those boys are everything to me.

I only had a few days home before Christmas and I spent it mostly helping my mom around the house. This is Coe and I before we went to my Grandma's for Christmas Eve.



We have a long standing tradition in our family to go to my Grandma's on Christmas Eve and have lobster. They're flown in from Maine by my amazing Uncle who gifts them to us every year. The come alive! Which is always fun.




Sorry to anyone who has an aversion to killing their own meat. I clearly don't. We also have a tradition to wear our silly lobster bib's and take a family photo. I can't remember if we did this last year, I think we did but I don't know if I ever did anything with it. It had only been two months since we lost my aunt and we were all still sort of in a haze. The holidays weren't that enjoyable. It was still hard to look at that picture this year and see only her son and her boyfriend. Broke my heart a little.




Other than the slight undertone of sadness, and the few years (my mom, aunt, and grandma...and me, got pretty teary when my mom gave my aunt an ornament with three female snow-women holding a sign that said sisters, with one of the snow-women floating above the others...) it was a very good Christmas Eve. My grandma surprised me by giving me THIS!!!



YES ITS A WII! I know it's not that exciting especially to most people who've had one for YEARS. But I've wanted one for so long! And it was soooo unexpected. I hadn't told anyone in ages that I wanted one. It was my grandma's gift to Corbin and I and I was incredibly excited.

I didn't take any pictures of Christmas Day because I was pretty busy enjoying it. My mom and I made a huge breakfast (per tradition) and my grandma and aunt, uncle and cousin came over to eat after we had opened our presents. My brothers got a ton of toys, most of which I cant pronounce or have something to do with Lego's. I got a new outfit for work and some booties which I've been dying for and a curling iron and a hand mixer (which I've been DYING for and didn't even ask for) and a ton of other things I had wanted. My sister got me texting gloves (wooo!) and a really cool decorative thing made of wine corks (that she made) and a new blow dryer which I desperately needed.

I was really excited to give my mom the album I had made her of her wedding. I also had a big canvas printed of her and my step-dad on their wedding day. She loved both. My sister and I pitched in on a really nice Anne Kline watch she had really wanted. We said it was from all the kids and couldn't wait to give it to her. Theeeen a few days before Christmas she finds a random very badly wrapped shoe box under the tree and no one can figure out who it's from. (It was from my dad to my mom). Well he NEVER buys Christmas gifts, usually has us do it last minute for him. Ends up, he got her the SAME watch and wrapped it in one of her old shoe boxes (slightly hilarious). She was thrilled he got her a gift and had picked it out himself. We were excited either way that she got what she wanted. We did her stocking too so she definitely got a ton of goodies.

The rest of my time home was spent building Lego sets with Kai and spending time with various family. (Some family drama went down which caused a little stress near the end of my trip, but it's all okay now and not really too appropriate for the internet). The last few days Corbin came and we stayed with my Grandma and brought Hank. I helped my mom set up Coe's room as well (my sister finally moved out at 20 and Kai moved into her room so Coe's crib can go in Kai's old room now). It turned out pretty well, here's a little glimpse.



Overall it was a blast. Felt very different than previous years. I feel much more like an adult in the family now (although I'm still spoiled like one of the kids). I thought all the change would really bother me, but it's strangely normal now. I hope everyone elses holiday was just as wonderful!

The lost emotion...

Last night during one of the many events of insomnia that haunt my life, I was trying to play the little trick to fall asleep. You know, the "go through every mundane detail of something until you bore yourself to sleep." Well apparently my life is too darn exciting because I couldn't think of ANYTHING.

So of course, I start thinking of sad things, because hey! why not?! I was thinking about the time of year and how difficult it is in our family. Really I feel like most every day is difficult for some members of it because they can never escape their demons. But the holidays especially, sort of stink.

It's been almost a year now since my aunt/godmother passed away. November 21st. So of course, Thanksgiving is sad. Made even more sad by the fact that it was her favorite holiday and she got so darn excited to make those disgusting creamed onions that it annoyed us all to hell. Well, I'd gladly eat ten pounds of creamed onions if she could join us this year. A little more sad because we seem to have lost her son. Whether his indifference to his family is his age (good ol' teenagers) or the loss of his mom, we don't really know. But he went to live with his dad and I fear he's on a very quick downward spiral.

Then we have Christmas time. My grandpa passed away in December of my senior year in high school. December 20th. I walked in as he was choking to death on fluid from his trach (tube in the throat to help him breath, ironically enough). My grandma tried to suction it out (sorry, gross) as she'd done so many times, but saw when it was time to quit. After almost five years of caring for him after his stroke (he never spoke or walked again) she gave up. She held him as he died. They would have been married 50 years this year. So of course, the holidays break her heart.

I started thinking of all of this mostly because of some things that happened this weekend. Boyfriend and I had a tiff...welllll...sort of a giant fight. I was at my wits end and as emotional and heated as it got, he never really showed any emotion. I couldn't figure out why suddenly the thought of losing me didn't effect him. I reasoned he must not love me, and stormed out. As I reflected I recalled how the week prior his 17 year old cousin was killed (our lives are full of sunshine aren't they?!) and how he hardly reacted. I thought maybe he wasn't close to him, or maybe he was holding in his emotions. But there was nothing but a bit of sympathy for the family. While when I heard, not even knowing the kid, I totally cried my eyes out. I am an emotional person so maybe that's why, but it dawned on me that Boyfriend hadn't been showing any emotion for awhile. Now granted, he's happy and laughs or will get tired and worn out, he'll get annoyed and angry, but I never see sadness. Not that I want my boyfriend to be a weepy mess, but it's odd. We worked out our issues and I know he loves me and was terrified of losing me based on his actions thereafter, but still, the lack of any sadness for anything, it confuses me.

I think a lot of firemen are desensitized to death. Boyfriend has brought people back to life, and pronounced them dead. I know that death doesn't effect him the way it does me, but I also know he is fearful that he will lose someone close to him (he hasn't faced that yet) and not be able to cry. So I guess I'm worried, I guess I'm scared that one day he won't tear up when I walk down the aisle, or when we meet our daughter or son for the first time. I want a man's man, a strong man, but I want a man that feels too. He was always like that, always just a strong but sensitive man. I think somewhere along the way he's lost a little bit of that and I just don't know what to do to help him find it again.

So this whole post has gone an entirely different direction than I thought, but it's really been on my heart/mind lately and I just wish there were something I could do.....

A Great Adventure...

It's been a long few months around here. Corbin and I moved into a new apartment a week ago. It's quiet. HALLELUJAH!!!!! Noise was our main issue at the old place and I simply could not handle the constant noise of 20-somethings partying around the clock out back.

(I know I AM 20-something, but I don't act the way most 20-somethings act, or the way THOSE 20-something's acted)

The new place is bigger too. More space has definitely had a positive effect on our relationship. I feel like I can breathe a little now that we aren't living on top of each other.

About a month before we moved Corbin also got a job as a Fireman. He completed the Fire Academy a few months back and was actively looking for a position for awhile. He has been a paramedic for almost three years and his life's goal has always been to be a fireman. I am SO proud of him! When he got the offer from the department I literally cried. I've never known what it's like to be so invested in someone else that their accomplishments feel like my own. In past relationships (or just the one) I'd always been held at arms length, never quite made to feel like a PART of their life. With Corbin, he values what I say, and my opinion. He's my partner. And I am so so so proud of all that he has done. He starts his new job in two days. I know it sounds cliche to say ALL firemen are heros, but really, they are. They don't fight a lot of fires out here in California, what with the fire regulations and vast amount of mostly new buildings. But the core belief behind their job is running into a building, that everyone else is running out of. To save people they don't know, to sacrifice all they've come to know and love, for a stranger. When you think about it, it's beautiful. So even though he hasn't started, he's my hero and I sort of think he always will be.

School has been hectic. I'm trying SO hard in some classes and not so hard in others. My midterms start Monday and I'm terrified. I only have two tests, and one is all multiple choice. But I don't think I can handle failing again. My other exam is Monday evening, after which I leave for Sacramento. My mom has a teacher recruitment fair there and I'm flying up to spend some time with her. I think it will be the first time in a year she sleeps through the night! She is leaving the baby and Kai at home so I'm looking forward to relaxing with her and seeing her finally take some time for herself.

So with school, moving, etc. it's pretty hectic like....all the time. But I'm pretty sure I wouldn't trade it for anything. :-)

A Sparkle That Money Can't Buy

Things are getting busier around here. I wrapped up summer school a week ago. After bombing my second semester in law school I poured my blood, sweat, and tears into this summer course. I am DYING to know my grade. My success in that course really determines where I’ll decide to go from here.

I’ve already started my first class of my second year. Intro to Mediation, four day course, eight hours a day. Ya…it stinks. Other than that though everything has been a dream lately.

Corbin and I were at the mall the other day buying him a new suit (he has a job interview in two days yeeee!!!!) and as we were leaving we walked past Tiffany’s. *Sidenote: I swoon over that little blue box, whether it’s my obsession with the movie Breakfast at Tiffany’s or just the general glee that comes with something sparkly, I don’t know.* When Corbin and I were first together he gave me a Tiffany heart bracelet with the day he asked me to be his girlfriend engraved on the back. He is the first man to give me real jewelry and not take it back (I’m not kidding, it happened). So needless to say I love walking past the store at ogling at the sparkles. As we were walking by Corbin asked if I wanted to go in and look. I wish I could show you my face. I said no at first, because sometimes I feel a little uncomfortable pointing out all the wildly inappropriately expensive things I want. But we ended up going in and walking straight over to the rings.

THE RINGS!!!! THE ENGAGMENT RINGS!!!

We are on that path, and I’m so happy about that. I know I want to spend my life with Corbin but wow was that fun and exciting!! A little nerve-racking given the exuberant prices attached with the shininess I have my eye on. But still, EXCITING!
Other than that, things are great. I received my case assignment as a CASA and while I can’t discuss it let me just say, I’m enjoying it even more than I thought! Which is a nice surprise. I’m excited to see how all the various things will unfold with the case.
I miss my brothers like crazy though, and really wish I could go home more often. My sister, who is a photographer and takes AMAZING pictures is constantly giving me more and more reasons to miss them! I can’t wait to go home in September!

A Voice

As I write my heart is filled with happiness.

Now a quick little side note; I don't have a fancy blog. I don't have the desire for millions to read my words. My hand cramps when I write so I no longer keep a journal. That's why blogging started for me.

Anywho. I became a CASA this summer. A Court Appointed Special Advocate for foster children. My first case assignment RIPPED me apart. I was a lucky kid, no one stole my innocence. (Well, they did, but only around age 11 and with no sexual abuse, so in the grand scheme of things I feel I got off lucky).

I cried when I read her file and was sick to my stomach. I tried to tell my boyfriend about how genuinely sad it made me, but the words wouldn't come. I have read Aunt Becky's Blog for years and I have seen her reference the group blog Band Back Together many times. I went there.

There wasn't a tab for "Over emotional volunteer has trouble dealing". So I wrote my own post, I filed it under child abuse or some other thing. I wrote how OUTRAGED I was and how understaffed the National CASA Organization is. I wrote about how something like 65% of the boys on the WAITLIST (there is a WAITLIST for children to have an advocate, disgusting) never get a CASA because there are so few male volunteers. (It's usually because they need a strong male figure in their lives why they've even been deemed in need of a CASA).

I posted my story, it received a few "pump me up" comments. And I felt good. I got my "advocate swagger" back; which is what I like to call it.

Then! Then the National CASA Organization posted about the Band's site. THEN! Aunt Becky (who really guys, I would just love to hang out with for a few days because she is so friggen hilarious) posted about the organization posting. And while yes I know it isn't because of my stellar intellect and writing skills that they did this; I am GLAD! I'm glad it may inspire ONE person to become involved and I'm glad such an amazing group blog got some publicity. Sooo go check out Band Back Together and if you ever feel the urge to become the one person in a child's life who isn't constantly leaving them, become a CASA.

Fork In The Road

A lot has happened over the past week. It's not really anything I'm comfortable posting on the internet. But everything has caused me to be forced with some pretty tough decisions regarding my future.

I am lost. I wish one decision was easy. I wish there was a clear right choice. But there isn't. And I am looking down both roads and both of them look hard. Both of them look impossible to face.

Forks suck, I'd take a spoon any day.