turning another corner...

My house smells delish! I made cookie dough brownies and took them to the firehouse Corbin works at. I dare say, they were a hit. I'm feeling better about things, job prospects are becoming a little brighter. Hank is sort of helping with things a lot. It's hard to not get lonely here. I made a choice to move far away from everything I've known for the past five years, from my home. I think it was dumb to not expect this.

I remember when I moved to Sacramento. I cried myself to sleep every night for a month. I was terribly lonely. Then I drank...a LOT. Like, all the time. It numbed things and made me believe I was having fun when really I was just trying to ignore the loneliness. I finally got used to it, stuck it out, and grew to love Sacramento. I made friends, lost friends, went in and out of relationships and jobs. I learned to be who I am now, I graduated college, I got my first real job. This is kind of like that all over again.

I'm done with college, done being a kid. I've grown up and moved on. It's time to make a new home. It was difficult before, to leave the only other home I've ever known. Mostly because I had built that home with a certain person. He was a big part of everything I felt like I was drowning in those memories. I couldn't stay there, it wasn't an option. Everything their reeked of our past.

So now I'm here. Because home isn't just a place you were born, the place you grew up, or even the place that's most comfortable. I thank God every day I recognize that and am not still in the town I grew up in. I am so grateful I learned to let go and move on. It's not easy, it's awful being lonely. And it's scary moving on, growing up. But if I hadn't, if I hadn't jumped, fallen, leaped, whatever. If I hadn't done this I'd be back up North, seeing my past on every corner, living in the shadows of who I was not who I want to be. So as much as this sucks and as much as I literally get lost every time I leave my house, I am glad. I'm glad I took this step, glad I let go.