little bit lost..

I had a really strange dream last night, or this morning, I slept til 10am so who knows. Anyway I was at my sister's 8th grade graduation (which hello? in of itself it weird because she is graduating high school in a few weeks). My 8th grade teacher (who was also hers) asked back my 8th grade class members who were in the choir back to sing, but she didn't invite me. However, I was there (because of my sister) and she forgot how fabulous I was and asked me to sing. My voice cracked, I had flem, gross I know. I was devastated. I woke up and my eyes were literally (I use this work sparingly usually internet, but LITERALLY!) swollen shut. Puffy and red, crusted with goop. Then I remembered I'd cried, hard, heart wrenching sobs, for about a solid hour or two last night. 

I feel like I'm drowning. You look at my life from the outside and a lot of girls would love my life. I have an insanely sweet boyfriend, he is so so kind. I have the cutest damn puppy in the entire world, my apartment is adorable, I live in one of the most beautiful places in California. But all I can focus on? I don't have a job, I'm broke, I don't know if I'm going to law school for sure, and I'm lost. I feel totally lost. I gave up my friends, the only home (other than my parent's) I've ever known, a good job, the ability to actually save every month, I gave up a lot. And here, Corbin is taking care of me. Other than my parents bailing me out every once in awhile no one has taken care of me since I was younger than 18. I can't stand it. And I feel SO ungrateful! Corbin does everything for me, he is wonderful. And I'm awful. I feel lost and I hate it.