In Life, There's No Safety Net....

(Forewarning...I didn't bother trying to make this easy to understand...)


I feel like the time to take risks is now...I'm young, nothing to tie me down. But sometimes I am terrified there will be no one there to catch me if I fall.

I've been lucky for the most part. I have this incredible family that has never let me down, they've never stopped loving me. And trust me, I've done lots of things to warrant that. So you'd think that when I want to take risks, a giant leap, I would just trust that their arms were open to catch me, if or when I take a great big dive. Not so...

For a long time I was with someone that made me think I wasn't worth love. I had to try and try to be worthy. I had to prove myself every day. It tore me apart.

This morning I texted one of my best friends and said "I'm so jealous of Kate (Middleton), I want to be a princess!"....her response..."Ya, but Corbin treats you like a princess."

Last night I had a terrible dream, he fell in love with someone else. Fast, without meaning to. And while it may be because I ate cake before bed (gross right?) I also know it's those old tendencies tapping back in. I'm terrified.

I am terrified because in the last few weeks, I've woken up next to my best friend and my breath has caught in my throat. For the past 13 weeks he'd been in the fire academy. I'd learned to live without him mostly. But since that's been over I've realized how much I've fallen more deeply in love with him. And I'm not sure I can, and I know I don't, want to ever wake up without him again.

Back to risk taking...I gave myself freely and quickly four years ago. In December of 2006 I decided to fall hard....and in July of 2009 my heart was shattered. It sounds so melodramatic but I spent the better part of the time I was learning to be on my own, being with someone. The same someone. I let myself go and gave him every inch of who I was, had been, would become, wanted to be. It's still hard for me to believe I got every part of myself back....

While I know I want to spend the rest of my life with Corbin, I also know I haven't done my part. I haven't given myself completely, there's been a small part left guarded, just in case. I woke up this morning knowing that had to change. "Dream Me" had lost him. And "Dream Me" hurt so bad I literally felt the pain. In my chest...it was tearing me apart.

I think part of life is living so hard, and so completely, that when you do hit the ground, you are completely splattered. You're stripped so raw, that you start back at one. You begin at the beginning. You're reborn.

Otherwise, what's the point?...

Maybe. Or maybe I'm just being melodramatic. I feel like writing about it makes me feel better often. So write I did...

I sort of lost my train of thought...so that's the end :-)