The lost emotion...

Last night during one of the many events of insomnia that haunt my life, I was trying to play the little trick to fall asleep. You know, the "go through every mundane detail of something until you bore yourself to sleep." Well apparently my life is too darn exciting because I couldn't think of ANYTHING.

So of course, I start thinking of sad things, because hey! why not?! I was thinking about the time of year and how difficult it is in our family. Really I feel like most every day is difficult for some members of it because they can never escape their demons. But the holidays especially, sort of stink.

It's been almost a year now since my aunt/godmother passed away. November 21st. So of course, Thanksgiving is sad. Made even more sad by the fact that it was her favorite holiday and she got so darn excited to make those disgusting creamed onions that it annoyed us all to hell. Well, I'd gladly eat ten pounds of creamed onions if she could join us this year. A little more sad because we seem to have lost her son. Whether his indifference to his family is his age (good ol' teenagers) or the loss of his mom, we don't really know. But he went to live with his dad and I fear he's on a very quick downward spiral.

Then we have Christmas time. My grandpa passed away in December of my senior year in high school. December 20th. I walked in as he was choking to death on fluid from his trach (tube in the throat to help him breath, ironically enough). My grandma tried to suction it out (sorry, gross) as she'd done so many times, but saw when it was time to quit. After almost five years of caring for him after his stroke (he never spoke or walked again) she gave up. She held him as he died. They would have been married 50 years this year. So of course, the holidays break her heart.

I started thinking of all of this mostly because of some things that happened this weekend. Boyfriend and I had a tiff...welllll...sort of a giant fight. I was at my wits end and as emotional and heated as it got, he never really showed any emotion. I couldn't figure out why suddenly the thought of losing me didn't effect him. I reasoned he must not love me, and stormed out. As I reflected I recalled how the week prior his 17 year old cousin was killed (our lives are full of sunshine aren't they?!) and how he hardly reacted. I thought maybe he wasn't close to him, or maybe he was holding in his emotions. But there was nothing but a bit of sympathy for the family. While when I heard, not even knowing the kid, I totally cried my eyes out. I am an emotional person so maybe that's why, but it dawned on me that Boyfriend hadn't been showing any emotion for awhile. Now granted, he's happy and laughs or will get tired and worn out, he'll get annoyed and angry, but I never see sadness. Not that I want my boyfriend to be a weepy mess, but it's odd. We worked out our issues and I know he loves me and was terrified of losing me based on his actions thereafter, but still, the lack of any sadness for anything, it confuses me.

I think a lot of firemen are desensitized to death. Boyfriend has brought people back to life, and pronounced them dead. I know that death doesn't effect him the way it does me, but I also know he is fearful that he will lose someone close to him (he hasn't faced that yet) and not be able to cry. So I guess I'm worried, I guess I'm scared that one day he won't tear up when I walk down the aisle, or when we meet our daughter or son for the first time. I want a man's man, a strong man, but I want a man that feels too. He was always like that, always just a strong but sensitive man. I think somewhere along the way he's lost a little bit of that and I just don't know what to do to help him find it again.

So this whole post has gone an entirely different direction than I thought, but it's really been on my heart/mind lately and I just wish there were something I could do.....