on pause...

My oh my.
I only seem to turn to writing for the therapy of it. I guess it's a good thing that I don't need to do it more often then.

I have a LOT on my mind right now.

My mom's really sick and in the hospital. For most people of course this is something hard or stressful, but for me it's a little different.

I can't really say I remember too much about my relationship with my mom before the age of 15. She was always there, always sacrificing for us, but I remember being particularly close. When I got older I clung to my mom. When I moved away to college she became my best friend. We talked constantly throughout the day. We email text and call. If we go an hour without speaking it's strange. She is my confidant, my advisor, my best friend. She's the woman I want to become. I actually don't know if I could continue to live my life happily without her. Losing her scares me more than anything on this planet.

So about a week ago my mom had a painful pimple on her forehead. Of course she messed with it. (Obviously we're related!) Anyway after a week her face started to swell. On Monday it was so swollen her eye was almost shut. She went into the doctors office and he told her it was a bacterial skin infection and drained the area. The next day she woke up and the swelling was worse. She immediately went to the hospital in the next town (our town is small and their medical staff, except for her doctor pretty much, is inept). She was admitted immediately through the ER and told she had orbital cellulitis. Essentially she has a VERY serious infection behind her orbital bone. We also found out the infection is MRSA, an antibiotic resistant staph infection. The treatment is a very strong antibiotic administered through an IV. This medication is so strong it can cause kidney failure and the rupturing of your veins. Needless to say, it's serious.

My home town is a good 6 hours from where I live and go to school. It was all I could do to stay here, all I could do not to flee home to be with her. She wants me to stay here and focus on school but it's tearing me apart. I can't stop thinking about the worst case scenario. I can't stop thinking about the what if's. If I lose her, it's entirely too possible that I will lose myself. She wants me to stay here, attend this stupid ball this weekend, and keep living my life. But to me, my life isn't worth much without her.

I sit here riddled with fear. Not sure how to live my life day to day with the possibility of losing her looming over my head. I know it's not a terminal illness. But my mom, well she's invincible. She's superwoman. She's unstoppable.

And now she's sick, and my whole life is on pause. I don't know how to feel or what to do except pray that she heals quickly.