A Very Uncertain Future...

I had a very surreal experience last week. Here's the back story...

For the past three weeks I've been having an odd pain above my ribs on the right side. Heck...it's basically my boob. The pain started out as a sore muscle (I thought). It got worse over the next few days and by week three I was in excruciating pain. The fiance's parents live across the street from a retired surgeon and I awkwardly asked him to take a look.

He felt me up, (with my future mother in law and his wife present) and told me that while it was definitely swollen and sort of "hard" he didn't think it was serious. However, he advised, see an OBGYN immediately. Sort of odd I thought, for something not serious.

So of course I waited a few more weeks.

Last Wednesday I had my appointment with Dr. Silver, an OBGYN here in San Diego. He is a new doctor for me, and I had been seeing Dr. S in Fresno since I was 17. I had cysts on my ovaries and had ended up seeing an OBGYN before most girls who weren't sexually active. Fast forward a few years and I had another issue in which Dr. S was integral. I had cancerous cells on my cervix as well as on my ovaries. They were able to be surgically removed and I haven't since had an issue. But given my history, throughout college and even through half of law school, I made the six hour trek whenever I needed to see my OBGYN. I was hesitant to switch.

When I got into Dr. Silver's office he immediately brought me into his "real office". Essentially I didn't go into the freaky room with stirrups, but into a warm and inviting room with his various accolades decorating the walls. We chatted for a bit about my family's medical history and my current issues and concerns. He was funny and very inviting. I felt immediately comfortable and relieved to have found a new doctor with whom I could be at ease with. He told me that one of my issues (a little odd to blog about) was of no concern to him, so we'd simply do a breast exam due to the pain.

I went into the exam room and prepared. He came in, and let the uncomfortable-ness commence!

Really though, how weird to have a man my grandfather's age feeling me up! Maybe I'm immature, who knows.

As we were laying there, small talking it, he said something I don't think I'll ever forget. First, his face sort of....cleared. His smile vanished and his eyes grew worried. He asked the nurse to go fetch some sort of "jelly" (the only way I can think to describe it). It was a sort of lubricant designed to help him get a better feel of the area. As he put this on and continued to exam (the right side, since the left had been normal) the lines in his forehead deepened.

"Well, you seem to have some lumps in your right breast."

And everything sort of cleared. In my head anyway. Everything felt odd and fuzzy and my throat tightened. My heart fell to my toes. My breath left my chest.

"Give me your hand. You need to know what this feels like."

He took my hand and showed me where the lumps were. I didn't feel much to be honest. I dressed in a haze and he brought me back into his office. He explained that he didn't think I should lose much sleep, as I was young and at little risk. I asked him how many girls my age get breast cancer. Ten percent he said.

I've never been good with odds.

He scheduled an exploratory mammogram and ultrasound. They are next Tuesday. While it's entirely possible it's something normal, like calcifications or something of the sort, it's also entirely possible that its.....well....not.

That was last week. And every day since it's been in the back of my mind. I know the odds are more in my favor than not...but in our family, luck's never been on our side. I've kept the whole thing pretty private (I guess blogging about it blows that one right?) and have only told my immediate family really.

In two days I'll know I guess, where exactly to go from here...