drowning in rivers from our face...

It's been awhile since I've posted...woops.

While things have been slow and uneventful on the outside I guess quite literally my life is a whirlwind. Although you wouldn't really know that by looking at me, and to be honest 90% of people in my life don't see it either. See nothing has happened per se, but gosh are things going on inside.

For the outward things however, I got a job, and am still in San Diego. My mom's c-section is scheduled for July 29th so on that day I'll have a new little brother. I've been going to the gym since I was ridiculously unhappy with how chubby I'd gotten. Eating healthier and exercising until I want to die (thank you weight watchers) is actually helping quite a bit. Although, like 10 minutes ago, I sometimes cave and eat 25 brownies in 5 minutes. Eek.

June 30th marked 6 years since Michael died. It was odd because I was on day 2 of my new job, and to be honest, oblivious of the date on the calendar. However I've had such sadness in me for the past few weeks, I can just feel things taking their toll. I can't begin to describe how many times I want to pick up the phone and tell him about my life. I want him to hug me and tell me it's going to be okay. I want him to threaten to kill those who've broken my heart. I just want him back. And that longing has created a pretty big dark place. Crap I think I need to go back to therapy.

I've also been having very strange dreams. I don't know if it's because I'm lonely and miss my friends or what. I am really hoping starting school will remedy some of these things. I need that distraction.

Some stuff happened with my dad too. It'd be a novel to write it all here, but he is a major douche-lord. And I decided he needed to know that I felt that way. Not in such eloquent terms mind you. He decided to take this with silence...that was 2 weeks ago. I haven't heard from him since. Not even an I'm sorry.

I also think a lot of this is built up emotion from not writing. I used to write constantly and lately I just haven't had it in me. There truly is something therapeutic about writing down your feelings. So I guess I'll need to get better at that, and maybe consider re-visiting therapy. I don't so much think it's the OCD anymore. More like something is missing....

I feel terrible because I know sometimes Corbin thinks the way I act has something to do with him. But it doesn't, it's just that I am so conflicted inside, I hate dragging him into it. I just need to find me and make me happy before I can be enough for someone else. I think I'm still not quite there.

Wow...this sure was a downer post....