the words i would say....

I haven't felt like writing much lately. I think I've been trying to shut down my brain and just sort of get through each day. I've been praying a lot, and trying to just let my brain rest, and let someone else take over my worries. I've said before, I used to be very active in church and stuff. It's always felt like that part of me is missing and I do long to have it back. But I stand by my belief that the four walls of a church don't define your relationship with God. There is this church in Santa Rosa, and I was really enjoying it, but Jesse's family goes there and I'm just not ready for that. I used to go to this church in Sacramento, it reminded me a lot of the one I went to in Hanford. I miss it a lot. Jesse and I were going every weekend, I think that may be one of the things I miss about him, was our fellowship. We really shared that connection with God and despite all the other things missing in our relationship we did have that.

This all comes about because he texted me yesterday asking if we could meet and spend some time with Tucker. Every....single....part of me wanted to say
"YES I WANT MY BABY BACK!!!!!!" (Tucker, not Jesse)

But I didn't. I didn't say anything. He said he'd been busy and really wanted to find a time. What was I supposed to say to that? The text actually woke me up from a nap. I was expecting something from Corbin or my mom since that is mostly who texts me. It was him and for the first time in probably 3 months it shook me. Only because I've been missing that connection that I had with another person when it came to religion. We used to sit and talk about spirituality and God, the bible and prayer, it was nice and comforting. I know it takes time to become completely comfortable and feel like things just flow and are easy with someone. But I don't remember it ever taking time before. Maybe it did and it was just too long ago. I just hate explaining why I feel some way, or who I am and why. Sometimes I miss that comfort, the ease and understanding. But I guess if you were to ask me if I would trade love and passion for all that I'd have to say no. As far as the latter is concerned, the connection and religion part, I need. It's something I've always craved. Probably because when I was very close with God, when I was going to church, I was a very happy and fulfilled person. I've let other things come in and suck up all that time and energy I used to put elsewhere. For the first time, I do believe it's time to go back. I just can't decide if I want to venture back to the church up here I'm comfortable with and risk running into Jesse and/or his family, or if I want to find a new church.

Stupid decisions....

There's this song I'm really loving right now by Sidewalk Prophets, called These Are The Words I Would Say. It's very uplifting.

I guess the whole sentence I've been dancing around, afraid to say is I miss Jesse. When I sit down with myself and evaluate that, really look at it, I find, it's okay. It's okay to miss someone who was your best friend, someone you loved whether or not they loved you, someone who was the biggest part of your life for 4 years, someone you shared a connection with. It's okay. So I'll admit it to myself. I miss certain things, certain connections, and the ease that four years brings. But when I turn around and look at my life now I see that it has every opportunity to become what I once wanted and tried so hard to have. Something I never actually did have, something I was holding out for.

Ew this is terrible of me. I feel like such a terrible person for even thinking some of the things I do sometimes. It's just that there are SO many thoughts running around I just need to sort them out. I do love Corbin, so very much. And I want a future with him, a lot. I think I'm just really afraid this will happen again and I don't want to lose a connection with someone twice. I've lost too many people. I'm done with that.