at the bottom of a bottle....

So I can't really remember if I've linked her before but there is this blog I read called Baby On Board by Stephanie Wilder Taylor. She is a smart and witty woman, amazingly aware of her life and issues. Although I'm not an alcoholic, more than one person in my family had battled with alcoholism. So her story hits home. She encourages woman to come to terms with their disease, to accept it and find a cure. My aunt is a raging addict. All I really know about is the alcohol, but I'm sure it goes further. When I was 6 she was arrested for cooking meth, my dad bailed her out of jail (he was a cop). My grandparents raised my cousin Michael since Nikki (my aunt) had him at 15. Michael was my world, my best friend, my confidant, my brother. We grew up together, my parents tried to adopt him at one time but for fear of how his outlandish ways would affect her little girls my mom didn't go through with it. On the day she died she wondered where we'd be if she had.

You don't have to be an addict to know about regret. Regret is waking up know you should have spoken when you didn't, knowing you should have stepped up when you couldn't. My aunt Nikki was 6 months pregnant when Michael died. Joshua Michael was born the following December and she went back to drinking. She has been in rehab 3 times since, been homeless, been on drugs (i think). She hasn't worked in over 3 years. I struggle every day too, no I didnt lose my son, but I lost my soul mate (which I do believe in). You don't have to be someone's significant other to be their soul mate. Your soul mate is your other half, the one who knows the words when you can't find them, who knows how your heart feels when you don't, who sees the tears before they come and whisks you away so no one else can see them fall. Michael was my soul mate until I was 17 and the light of his smile forever disappeared from my life. Until I was 19 I thought I'd never find that again, then I met Dave. Dave saved me from myself, from one of the darkest times in my life. I'm lucky to have him, but I miss Michael every day.

Back to my original point. If I thought Nikki had access to a computer I'd email her the link to Baby On Board. She needs help. We've reached out, we've done interventions, we've tried. Josh is 5 years old, his learning is stunted, he barely speaks, they can't take care of him. As I see it, Nikki was given a second chance to be a mom, she was given a second chance to do it right and she is blowing it. It makes me so angry. We're hurting too, we're all sad, and we all miss him. Because of his and my grandfather's deaths my grandmother stopped drinking. My mom doesn't drink, when I have a glass of wine 2 nights in a row I scare myself and don't drink for a week. We're all painfully aware of the disease of alcoholism. I want her to accept it, I want her to find a way to be well again because truthfully our family misses her. I guess I just wish she could see what I see, or find a way to read what I've read and find inspiration in it too.

I wish I wasn't so powerless.