sweet disposition

So, a lot has happened since last Monday. I've re-lived it so many times I don't want to rehash it here. But I think there are times in your life that you look back and it feels like a dream. Or times where you remember exactly where you were when something happened. Like 9/11, I remember that morning very vividly. I'm not equating my life to a huge terrorist attack, just saying.

Anyway, I was in my car, in front of a craft store because I always have to have a project going. I sat there for what seemed like hours, it was really only about 20 minutes. Felt longer though. I sat there and felt like my heart had been ripped out and everything was ending. Like the hope I had seen, the future I'd imagine had just been erased. I cried, hard. For a long time, just cried. It's so hard for me to understand so many things right now. I'm not sure if it's my OCD's fault I cant get certain words and images out of my head or if it's just normal. Either way my heart is still beyond broken, I just want it to feel the way it used to.

He is trying SO hard. I believe everything he says, but there is a nagging feeling in the back of my brain, I can't seem to shake it.

I love him, I feel like I can say that and feel it deep down, like in my gut. I feel that it's true because I've never wanted someone to be happy so much. I've never wanted to just sit and stare at someone. I am filled with all of this love, and I was filled with all of this hope. I just really want that hope back. I'm struggling so hard to find that again.

One of my greatest obstacles has always been to start over, I'm hoping with all the huge changes that I've made over the past few months this will be something that comes easier. I need it to.